Is that love?

I’m sorry Whitney Houston is dead. It’s sad that someone so talented got swept up in whatever brought her down. Like Billie Holliday, a jazz diva from the 1930s, Houston had it all, and yet could not resist the temptations or handle the stress of success. It is beyond me or anyone else to know what these women endured that led to their downfall; it is enough to know that for them success was not a guarantee of happy ever after.

Christian writer Joyce Meyer, who came from an abusive background, says that women are by nature dependent. We have been brought up to believe that being loved by someone is more important than anything and that once we are loved we will be forever after taken care of. As Meyer points out, that's a dangerous road to go down. Women in abusive relationships stay in them for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is they convince themselves the man who is abusing them actually does love them. They make countless excuses for his behavior. 

“He’s stressed.”

“He’s out of work.”

“I’m too demanding.”

“The kids are too loud.”

“I was nagging.”

I’ve read that some women in abusive relationships feel protective of the very person who is slapping them around or verbally degrading them. Is that love? By their definition, it is. The passion of violence is for some an indication of passion in the bedroom, but on a much more basic level, they are more afraid of the unknown than of the situation in which they are living. For the abuser it is less about love and more about power. Abusers are often men who feel powerless in other areas of their lives and exert it in the only place they can, at home.

Whitney Houston and Billie Holliday both experienced manipulation from men who wanted to have power over them. Did that lead them to find some way to “feel good” even if the end result was self-degradation to the worst degree? What seems apparent is that they became what other people turned them into, robbing them of their talent, their sense of self, and their lives.

It happens every day to ordinary women and no one pays a bit of attention, because these women are not celebrities. Their pain goes unnoticed, or in most cases ignored. Many know it’s there, they recognize the symptoms, yet do nothing. After all, who wants to get in the middle of someone else’s family drama?

There is a television program on the air now called, “What Would You Do?” We watched a segment the other night about what observers would do if they saw a woman in a store being verbally bullied by her son. The participants were actors, but the observers were not. Of the several who watched the uncomfortable scene play out, only two of the observers tried to intervene. One was a mother with a daughter who chided the male actor (who was a tall beefy guy) for treating his mother that way. The other was an older woman who had counseled abused women. She didn’t say much to the “son”; what she did is offer the mother sanctuary.

Safety. It is perhaps the most important first step in helping women break loose from domestic violence.

Healing. Many of these women are physically and emotionally damaged. They get caught up in “feel good” methods of survival: drugs, alcohol or addictive behaviors. They need treatment and counseling.

Hope. There is a tomorrow. Many abused women feel so trapped they don’t know if tomorrow will come or whether they should care if it does.

Opportunity. To start over women who may be marginally skilled or emotionally fragile need training and jobs.

If you or someone you know is caught up in an abusive relationship, in Las Vegas, N.M. call 1- 505-425-1048, or contact the Tri-County Family Justice Center. The national domestic violence hotline number is 1-800-799-7233.

Pitiful Politics

Are you sick of politics and 24/7 campaign BS (bellicose speechifying)? I am. The time to look at political and campaign reform is long past. At best politics in America has reached a pitiful state. From smug Mr. Obama, who likely will be re-elected, to the bevy of emerging candidates who will go head to head at the August GOP convention in Tampa.

A friend recently expressed her opinion that if everyone would vote for the new kid on the block instead of the incumbent, in three election cycles we would have a new bunch in charge. A bunch of what is the question.

I believe seventy-five percent of those who run for office for the first time are in the race for all the right reasons. They want to make a difference. They believe their fantastic ideas will change the world for the better. And then they show up on their first day on the job after being sworn in and get hit with an ice-cold dose of political reality. Their initiatives won’t even be listened to until they have established their credentials and credibility, which for most national leaders doesn’t happen for years, decades if they last that long.

Local and state office holders face the same challenges. They spend so much time (and money) getting into office, they aren’t fully prepared for reality, which includes listening to constituents, attempting to be progressive in sometimes regressive administrations, wanting  to start something new rather than ensuring the good ideas of the people who came before them are completed successfully, being so honed in on the districts or areas where their supporters live they are unable to see the big picture, and trying to get something done with pennies when dollars – and lots of them – are needed.

We do need to have a system of governance, no doubt about that, but it would be nice if governance was the focus, not partisan politics and getting reelected. No candidate should hold office for more than two consecutive terms, no matter who they are, or what office they hold.  

The cost of campaigns is staggering. If even a portion of that money would be dedicated to encouraging the development of independent businesses, the economy could make a nearly magical turn around. Everyone seems to forget that small business is the backbone of the economy and entrepreneurship drives innovation.

The shock value of campaigning makes most of us gag. Do you really want to hear not just once but countless times that our potential leaders are as flawed as we are? Campaigning should be limited to the six months prior to the primary/caucus (and there should ONLY BE ONE, not one in every state), and targeted on issues not personalities. Candidate spending should be a limited. And get rid of super packs. Good grief, who thought of that? It’s one more way to get around the expectation that reasonable people will behave in reasonable ways.

Political campaigning in the modern age is a sad and destructive joke on all of us. All the wannabes seeking to be the Republican candidate in November should be ashamed of themselves. Little or nothing is being said about the monumental issues facing America and the world, and a lot about what one candidate thinks is wrong with the others. I don’t care what Newt thinks of Mitt, or Rick thinks of Ron, I just want to know they are thinking, which at the moment doesn’t seem to be the case.